Wednesday, January 5, 2011

A Turning Point Day

I've been at a loss lately regarding the blog.  I absolutely love doing it and my intention is to continue, however, for the first time since it began, I'm not sure what to write about.  I'm stumped, out of ideas.  Is it possible my well has run dry after less than three months?

Initially, I had lots to say about cancer, so I used the blog to say it.  I told stories of how it all played out, how it affected me, not just individually, but as a wife and mother.  I knew few people like me.  I personally knew very few survivors and even fewer that I could share the load which was crowding my head, forcing me to think of nothing else.  I loved blogging for giving me a chance to unload all that cargo I was carrying around.

I had a million ideas to share and once I did, I discovered something very freeing.  Cancer no longer held a steel grip on my daily thoughts.  What was once a brain overrun with my breast cancer experience was now able to give due to life's other moments.

Interesting stuff, but now what?  Where does that leave me?  Have I said all I have to say about life with breast cancer?

I don't know.  I have declared myself a breast cancer blogger, but could I write about other things?  What else do I even know and would my new breast cancer blogging friends care to read it?  Would they want to know about the trials and tribulations of getting my son to the potty in time? Or question, as I do, why ten minutes isn't long enough for a 4-year old to put on mittens?  Will they wonder along with me if my dog, Goliath, purposely waits until he's alone to pee on the floor?

This is the kind of stuff that consumes much of my days.  Would anyone reading want to know about it?  Probably not and I don't blame them.  I doubt they're looking for a mommy blogger and I have no desire to be one.  I like writing about motherhood, but only from the perspective of a mom with breast cancer.  To me, that's much more intriguing.  Lucky for me.

I had been pondering these many questions when I realized something about yesterday.   I went to see my primary care doctor.  Just a regular old visit simply because of a cold I couldn't shake.  I hadn't seen a doctor for something so normal in years.  The thing is, I should have gone three weeks ago when a raspy cough first started to linger.  But I didn't.  I didn't, because I was positive I'd hear bad news which would ruin the holidays for everyone, at the very least, me.  Why take that chance?   I'd already had one vacation ruined with the pronouncement of bad news.  I couldn't let that happen again.

Thanks to my sharp internet research I knew all the potential ailments a persisting cough might indicate and it wasn't pretty.  I managed to talk myself into every horrible symptom I came across.  Finally, I resolved to face my fear and get it over with.  This was a turning point day.  Fine or not fine, just like the day back in 2009 when I was waiting for biopsy results.  Which way would it go?

The thing is, it was simply a cold gone bad.  A prescription for antibiotics and I was out the door.  I never should have obsessed about it this way, but as a breast cancer survivor I'm conditioned to turn everything into drama.  Things can go wrong, turn out badly, but sometimes things are just what they seem and every once in a while, might actually turn out well.  I still need to retrieve that frame of mind.  And here I was convinced I didn't have anything left to write about.



9 comments:

  1. Stacey, I began my blog the very same way! But then my blog had a mind of its own, and I started writing more about being a mom than about breast cancer. But you're right -- being a mom that has survived breast cancer brings a different perspective to everything. I always dread doctor appointment, fearing I'm going to hear the worst and usually, I walk out relieved. I fear the same thing when my children have to see the doctor -- I will be devastated if they ever get really, really sick.

    My advice...go where your blog takes you! I'd love to read about your 4-year old's mittens and your dog peeing on the floor! I'm grateful to have found another mom who is a breast cancer survivor!

    ReplyDelete
  2. I agree with Ginny. It's your blog so you really can do whatever you like. I would certainly keep reading your posts, and would love to know more about life with your gorgeous little ones.

    ReplyDelete
  3. I'm like you. I started my blog as a way express my feelings re: karma and I have gotten way off track. I just am using it as creative outlet now. It helps keep my mind and creative juices flowing, which given the past few years isn't a bad thing. Maybe no one will read the blog, but it's like a diary to me and I like that. :-)

    ReplyDelete
  4. Stacey the musings of a can-do woman like yourself are as important as ever. History is now being written in the virtual world. Think of this blog as a wonderful gift for your sons to be able to read when they get older. They would be thrilled to read about their 4 year old antics, and being able to remember their beloved Goliath long after he is gone. As will we all because you certainly have a gift for writing and I would read anything you wrote. It's funny actually because I'm just working up a Can-Do Women post on this very subject of recording family history and the importance of doing so.

    ReplyDelete
  5. Ladies, I just want to say I'm overwhelmed. When I wrote the post, I was questioning my idea drought and was really wondering if others ever felt that way. I never imagined I'd receive so many wonderful, positive comments on the writing itself or my sons' antics. I can't thank you enough for the uplift you have given me and it just proves, yet again, what an amazing community of women I've found. Thank you so much.

    ReplyDelete
  6. Hi Stacey, I think we all struggle, some days more than others, about what to post on our blogs. (I sure did today as well, which you really picked up on.) I'm never quite sure how much to devulge, but usually I just "go for it." My daughter told me I would find my own voice and I didn't quite know what she meant by that, I still don't really know for sure. I just go with honesty and openness most of the time. Sometimes even I can't believe what I put "out there." I, too, love your writing. I, too, will read whatever you write about. You are as Anna stated, one of those "can do women!" Oh, and this post, I totally relate to. A simple cold is no longer quite so simple, is it? I don't know why we always jump to worst case scenario. (that could be a post topic in itself???!!)

    ReplyDelete
  7. Thanks, Nancy. I loved your post today. As usual you touch on the exact thing I think about. I've gotten lots of inspiration the last couple of days. I agree about being open, that's key, it makes room for a lot more topics. I'm looking forward to writing more and reading yours.

    ReplyDelete
  8. Hi Stacey,
    I just found your blog via Nancy's blog...I just love how we can meet new friends through bloggersville. I don't have much time right now to read your prior posts, but I say write whats on your heart. Your family, dog, ?? are part of the journey. I look forward to this weekend when I can read scope out your blog.

    ReplyDelete
  9. Hi Kim, thanks so much for reading and sharing your comments. I'm constantly amazed by the supportive, smart women I find in bloggersville. I can't go a day now without checking in with them and I'm happy to add you to that group.

    ReplyDelete